she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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