i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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