Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
