My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
