At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
