We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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