My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
