You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
