When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
