Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
