Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
