dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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