yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
