sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
