i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
