btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize