I think im going to throw up on grandma
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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