So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
