I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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