I hate all girls vehemently.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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