what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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