I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
