The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize