if only i could text you this smell
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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