I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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