yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
