I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
