I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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