I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Boobs are out for the taking
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
