Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
