I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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