anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
