Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
