Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
