I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
