1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
