after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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