i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
