Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What drink are we having for lunch?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
