I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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