I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
