Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
