sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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