My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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