insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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