Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
