I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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