period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
