why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
