mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
