i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
