i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
