i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
