someone get that fucking seahorse.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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