Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
