the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
