dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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