I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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