Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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