So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
