I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
