i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i think i have herpe
just one?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
