We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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