my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
