she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
