The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
