no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
